The Beater List



(A big thanks to Daniel Anderson for the idea for this page and for a bunch of the first entries!)




You might be driving a beater if...

Any part of the car is held on by string, rope, wire, duct tape, or zip ties.

Any window glass has been replaced with a garbage bag.

You have to leave your window open so you can reach inside to open the driver’s door.

Your car has different colored body panels.

Your car has exposed primer or Bondo.

You drove on the donut spare until it wore out.

None of your tires match.

One or more of your bumpers is missing.

Your foot slips off the brake pedal frequently because the cover is missing.

You never change your oil because you go through at least a case of it every 3000 miles.

You have to check ALL your underhood fluid levels every time you stop for gas.

Your floorboard is a small sheet of plywood.

One of your taillights is covered with red tape.

Your antenna is a coat hanger.

Your car bounces for a minute after you stop.

You have tears in your seats and/or carpet.

Your gas tank leaks if you fill it more than half full.

Your door lock cylinder has been punched out.

One or more of your inner door panels is missing.

You can check your oil but your gas gauge doesn’t work anymore.

You tie your trunk lid closed.

Your headliner is held up with thumb tacks.

You’ve used Stop Leak in your car.

It takes two to “pop” your hood.

You have to “pump” your brakes to stop.

People think your car is on fire when you aren’t moving.

You’ve pounded out a body panel with a sledgehammer and left it that way.

Your steering wheel is turned to the left or right when you’re driving straight down the road.

You have to wrap the seat belt through the door handle to hold it closed.

Your windshield washer is a spray bottle of Windex.

Your car rattles over every bump.

Your windshield has scratches from a broken wiper blade.

Your mechanic points out a problem with your car and you say, “I was wondering what that noise was!”

Your car has holes from where emblems fell off.

You disconnected your heater core rather than fixing it since it was leaking.

You drive around with a tow bar attached to your front bumper.

You have to lift your door to close it.

You’ve attached a drawer pull anywhere on your car as a handle.

Your car has splash guards but some are missing.

Most of the cars in the junk yard look more road worthy than your own.

Your windshield wipers "park" in the middle of your windshield.

Your engine runs on fewer cylinders than it has.

Your car leaves behind it a trail of parts and/or rust as you drive down the road.

Your car is so rusty you can throw a cat through it.

Swiss Cheese calls and it wants some of its holes back.

Your car "stillruns" for a few minutes after you turn it off.

The guys on MTV's "Pimp My Ride" won't touch it.

Hey, those aren't holes in the floor, that's the self-cleaning ash tray.

You've used old license plates to patch holes in the floor.

The police pull you over and ask if the car is roadworthy.

The gas in the tank is worth more than the car.

You paid for the car with beer instead of cash.

You have to debate whether fixing a flat is a worthy investment vs junking it.

The car came with a 'salvage' title.

You don't care how close anyone parks next to you.

Friends joke that rust holds it together.

When it quits running you call the junkyard instead of AAA.

It leaks a quart of ATF a day whether you drive it or not.

Strangers ask if you are going to enter it in the demolition derby at the fair.

You don't care if beer gets spilled inside.

Anything over fifty and the shimmy is so bad you have to slow down

You donn't lock your car or roll up the windows when you park "downtown".

People draw smiley faces in the oxidized paint.

When your E-brake is a brick

The car hasn't been washed since Bush was elected-the OLDER Bush!

you don't wash your car for the dirt is holding it together

You carry wire coat hangers in the trunk, just in case you need to hold something back together.

Your carpet caught fire from it laying on top of the muffler.

Repair materials are more from Home Depot than AutoZone.

The car stereo is an old boombox with a wire coat hanger antenna and it's belted in on the passenger side seat.

you have never opened the hood for the 4 years you owned it because you were scared.

it won't meet your $100 reserve on ebay.

Your Headlamps fly off after a hard brake, and hit the car infront of you.

It sounds like a pissed off weed-eater because your exhaust has fallen off.

You WANT somebody to steal it!

Thieves return your car because its not worth stripping or stealing, or they leave it abandoned two blocks away.

Your bumper stickers are covering the rust spots and missing paint.

You were denied a trade in at Carmax!

You've been asked serveral times if you needed a tow truck even though your car runs.

You can cook an egg on the dash because your car is an oven on wheels with no a/c.

In the summer time it is hotter inside your car then outside.

People ask you when you are going to get a new paint job, and you reply "not until the paint finishes falling off"

You've become a certified mechanic because your constantly repairing it.

You know more flaws about the car then the manufacturer does.

You weren't charged for any repairs at the dealership because of the "condition" your vehicle is in.

People think you live out of your car bacause you've never cleaned it.

You've stopped to ask someone if they need a ride, and they tell you they'd guarantee that they'd make it home walking rather than riding in your car.

Something Falls off and your first reaction is "Duct Tape can fix that"

your power windows wont go up or down

your AC when on max just shoots heat

Your Date is embarrest rideng in your car and never calls you again or is "never" there

Your car is so old the value started going up

your steering is so craped out when you turn the wheel the body of the car turns not the actual car

your impressed with 10MPG on the highway

your exhast is louder than your radio

if it backfires more than once a second

when 4 people get in your car the rear goes so low you hit bumps at speeds above 5mph literaly

your wiring is so bad when you rev your car (like you can) you pop the ligths

you consider wire wheel hub caps Bling Bling

you can start your car with out the key

your 8 track tape wont come out so your stuck listing to the Beach Boys Kokomo

you have emblems that dont match your car

some one paid you to take this car

you broadsided a honda and were crying about a scratch in your bumper while the honda needs the jaws of life

your wirng consits of crapy computer parts

your odomitor goes to 120 but the car ratles to bad past 30mph (and your losing to many parts)

you put your car in the paper and put OBO (offensivly bad odor)

your dash ligths are still on after you took the fuse out

95% of your car is bondo

the bondo on your car is coverd by bondo

you know all the above is true and you still drive you car

you love how your 8 track tapes cost $25 cents @ goodwill

your exhast is SO loud that you sound like your going 200mph when your barely going 20mph

the wood sideng on your car came off so u got ply wood

you pore doller store fluids in your car and tell poeple it adds hp

the white walls on your tires are coming off in places

you start your car and ignore the Engine hot Ligth, Generator

You're on this site

You're still on this site

Your speedometer doesn't work so you are at a loss for words when you get pulled over

Cops never give you a ticket because they figure you can't afford it

Your car has a Still Runs(C) bumper sticker !

World War 2 Vets hear you coming and go get their rifles thinking that a Japanese Zero is coming

You have to manually flick your turn signal off and on when making turns.

You put your favorite tape in the radio and it won't play and it won't come out.

You don't take it through the car wash because you get sprayed with the hot was even when the window is up

You mention the gas in the tank when selling the car

Your high beams haven't worked since 1985.

Your fuel gage hasn't worked since 1975.

you painted your car with a roller and housepaint

The 4 barrels are disconnected to "get better gas mileage"

remote keyless entry means you broke the door handle and you have to use the wire off of your rc car remote control to "jimmy" the lock

the huge dent in the quarter panel has been there so long you forgot it wasn't a factory option.

your gas tank is a 5 gallon can mounted near the antenna.

Mechanics refuse to do any work under your car until you take it to the car wash and steam clean the oil and grease off of it.

The horn honks when you turn the steering wheel

The beer cans become part of the decor

When no one, and I mean no one, can guess the year, make or model of the car

You've been towed so many times the tow truck driver invites you and the wife over for dinner

You are relying on RainX to keep the rain off the windshield cause only passenger wiper works

Your wife refuses to drive it and would rather walk

Your kids won't drive it to high school five miles away and would rather ride the school bus

You have to hotwire the car to get it started

People driving beaters look at you and say, "WOW! What a beater!"

when you open the door it falls off

you have four diffrent hub caps

when you get in you hit your head on the roof and your head goes right through

when your getting towed,the chain snaps and your car goes rumbling down the flat bed and smashes into oncoming traffic

every body panel is a diffrent color

You know you need to add oil when the color of the blue smoke changes.

Nobody ever tries to cut you off in heavy trafic and they never tailgate you.

IF YOU HIT THE GAS,OR THE BREAK TO HARD YOUR FOOT GOES THROUGH THE FLOOR

only one door opens

it sounds like a muscle car

If the name AMC Pacer makes you Drool!!

If you have an American car built in the 1980's

You don't need drugs because of the exhaust fumes.

your company tells you not to park in the company lot due to Environmental Protection Agency rulings

they won't accept your car as a trade in to a tow it in, push it in, we'll give you a hundred dollars for your trade sale

Your Fuse Box Blew up along time ago and you figure well 22 bullet shells work rigth?

when you go through the car wash your changes from painted to rust

You get rear ended and the other guy trys to avoid the wreck thinking you dont have insurance

Your Reading this still (conu from above)

Duck Tape(C) is now controling 5% or more of your car

Your Grand Parents (or Parents) remeber when your car was new

Your Car Does not stop after you press the brake

u r missing all of your taillights

YOUR THREE ON THE TREE GETS STUCK IN GEAR

your car stalls at an idle--and you tell your friends it's a gas saving feature

Your aftermarket am/fm/cass with no knobs or faceplate falls out of the dash if you hit the brakes too hard.

You have 3 hubcaps on the car, and not one matches the others

If it's worth more as scrap then what you originally paid for it.

your gas tank is a 5 gallon paint bucket in the back seat with a hose running into the trunk...

you tell your passengers to hold their breath when youre backing up because of the burning oil...

jacking up the car might crack the frame...

you can fit more in your trunk than a new pickup can in the bed...

any part of the dashboard/console is missing

you get tetnis from scratching your leg on the door...

you neglect putting new parts on it because you want to see if it lasts the winter...

you have more than one spare tire

it was ever a taxi cab...ever

The passenger seat is now a rumbler due to the massive holes in your exhaust pipe.

buying a new set of tires quadruples the value of the car.

Your gas tank gets full sooner after the huge dent from hitting an approach

Your Car Pays It's Self off when it gets hit .. lol

it has a missing hubcap

the car was ever used to deliver Domino's Pizzas(C)

the trunk lid pops up when you hit a bump in the road.

the trunk lid flies off when you hit a bump in the road.

one of the windows falls inside the door when you hit a bump in the road.

your vinyl top makes a big bubble when you're driving into the wind.

your hood pops up, covering your windshield while you're driving.

the windshield wipers make more noise than the engine

you need to ask someone for a jump start more than 17 days per month

you have to do your weekly grocery shopping in two trips so you won't bottom out on the way home.

you forget how many times the odometer turned over.

it takes two hands (and all your might) to roll the window up or down.

people gather up their kids and run into their homes when they see you coming down their street

all the body mounts wore out and fell off the car 187,000 miles ago.

you completely wore out your dipstick.

your car is so dirty that new dirt just bounces right off it.

they stopped making replacement parts for your car.

the scrap yard won't even take it off your hands...no matter how much money you offer them.

you've been driving the car so long that you lost more money in the seats than you initially paid for the car!

If there are so many old beer cans in the back seat that you car smells like cat piss

You fixed your broken motor mount with a length of chain.

the stop switch is handheld!

you have to enter from the passenger side since the outside driver's door handle is broken!

a truck mirror is mounted on the door.

garbage IS the carpet!

tow trucks follow you around like vultures.

you laugh as you hit 382,000 miles (I did)

you're "running it into the ground".

the back end is bending and sagging since the frame rotted away.

Your wife won't park her station wagon next to it in the garage

you have to carry around towels and old t-shirts to jam in the windows when it rains because your weatherstripping is leaking/missing in places, and you cant take it thru an automatic wash without getting all the same wash treatments as the car

Your Still Reading This....

Your Car is older than You!!!!!!!!!!

any seat has been permanently removed for more 'storage capacity' and its NOT a minivan or SUV

If you bought it or are selling it on eBay.

The pickup bed is held on by gravity.

You throw in a few spare parts to make it sell faster

You refer to your car as "the money Pit"

You car is double your age

you buy moter oil in 5 quart jugs because it uses more than a quart a day

Your neighbors complain that your car is hurting their property values

The garbage men try to take it away whe you park it on the curb

you burnout in front of the principal go home and spray it down with black spraypaint so he won't notice you the next morning.

ur car is more rust than sheet metal

your hubcaps come from wallmart

the amount of duck tape you are using to patch rust exceedes the amount of unrusted metal feft on the car

The seat falls through the floor when you sit on it.

Your temperature guage is permentally stuck at the HOT mark

You fill the body panels with cement to make it safer.

You work on it all week to drive it on Saturday, just to have it towed home on Sunday to fix it again.

If the main interior color scheme in your car is Pine Tree airfreshiners

When your freinds think the RS stands for Real S#####

You haven't seen you ashtray since 1985 due to it being burried in cigarette butts.

If you keep a coat hanger wired under the car to use as a spare door key when you lock yourself out of the car.

The coat hanger you wired under the car is wired with two other coat hangers that were run through the holes in the frame.

If the only reason you are in "good shape" is because you have to solo push start it everyday.

You engage o/d by pulling on the wire coming out of the floor and wrapping it around the only remaining dash knob, which was salvaged from a 30's radio because it wold stay on the shaft and accept a finishing nail retainer pin.

Your poor

You have more anti freeze on the drive way then in your radiator

The worst day of the year is when your inspection expires

People call you instead of the salvage yard because you have a spare everything for your model car.

You have a child booster seat behind the driver's seat to keep it upright

If the only panel that isn't dented is the cowl, because even the pizza drivers couldn't figure out how to hit that...

You're crusing around and your tranny falls out!

When you drive down the road and your axel slips out from underneath you

Bush gets re-elected!

The vinyl roof has been replaced with duct tape.

when you leave a demo derby someone ask you if you won

Your car's value is in direct propotion to the amount of gas in the tank.

You can't remember if you used the bungee cord to hold the bumper up or the trunk lid down!

When you pull up to the demoliton derby everyone instantly starts talking to you

Intead of counting the stars you count the rust holes

Little kids point and say "Mommy, what's wrong with that car?"

Your hubcaps consist of one stock, one custom, and one from a completly diferent car you found on the side of the road, and one is non-existant

16 year old hispanics offer to buy it off you

Even Overhualin' don't want it

When you drive past garage sales they expect you to stop.

When your driving, you can piont out the varuis parts that fell off and are laying on the side of the road.

There's at least two rolls of duct tape and one pack of bungees on it.

Your speedometer rooled over mre than twice

Your not sure what the original color was

Your hood emblem is long gone

You bribe the emisions test guys

Monster truck drivers offer you 20 bucks and two tickets to the show for it

When it rains you go, "So it DOES have whitewalls..."

When it rains, you need a yellow rain suit to drive it.

Your kid wont let you drive him to school in it.

You're crazy enough to name your cars after old sitcom characters

It's brown

Your exhuast is made from taped together pepsi cans

Your exhaust is so loud that the custom import guys expect you to race them

You get your Cadillac impounded for no brake lights (It happened) :P

You love this site (and i do)

Your check engine light has been on so many times that the bulb wore out.

it ain't a Chevrolet

it is posted on this site (see Christopher's ride under reader's rides)

you forgot what year, make,& model it is so you make something up

you looked at Christopher's ride (above) and emailed him at c_mielitz@yahoo.com

one of the wheels is a two piece and neither are attached

it is rolling around at the bottom of this page

it gets gallons per mile(Christopher's ride)

you are to poor to fix it so you leave it like it is and don't care what it lookes like

it is missing 1 or more tires(Christopher's ride)

Overhaulin' can't customize it in one week

it has ever been a taxi cab in Athens GA

Instead of 20's and Toyos it is rolling on bad 15 OE's and bald BF's

you have to bribe it to start it

you offered someone $100,000 to steal it, and they turned you down

It's older than your Dad And He's a senior citizen

you get in the car and it hits the ground

you replaced the engine with a lawn mower engine!

its your sons go kart

you floor it and gas comes out your tailpipe (beleave me it's happend!!

its so dirty that people write wash me on the wind shield and doors

You've never washed it because it would make the car look worse.

The brand name starts with an f, ands in a D, and has an OR in the middle.

the last time you changed the oil it was new

Most of these are not funny...

your just saying that because you drive a FORD

you must stop every mile to fill it with oil

might be driving a beater if your hood is held down with a chain, or has only half the latch working

you might be driving a beater if you touch 2 wires together for the horn

your seat is an empty beer crate

the amount of empty beer cans in the back are worth more in scrap than the value of your car

your steering wheel is wrapped in some sort of tape

you have to crash start it

kids overtake you on thier push-scooters and skateboards

it cant make it up a hill with passengers aboard

if u have a wind up handle to start it under the hood

the engine looks like a portable barber q

the belt squeal is so loud people look to see if your doing a burn out

Your car burns so much oil it is mistaken for a mosquito fogger.

Some Punk kid without insurance rear ends you and does $1000 In damage to his car and your bumper isnt affected

when ever you turn a corner every one turns and laughs at you

you consider you milage gauge a "score Gauge" higher milage = Higher Score =)

you consider 3 people pushing your cars turbo

speedo dont work so you have marks on the tach to tell you how fast your going. (based on your buddy driving next to you)

If you can switch off the electric fuel pump to get girls to "park" in it."outta gas"

you have to throw a bone into it just to get your dog to go with you.

if its a four door but only three work

if the guys on MTV pimped it out

your car looks good from far but is far from good.

YOUR A REDNECK

u have no hubcaps at all!

if ur driving down the road and your motor falls out of the car

Police don't bother giving you a reason when they pull you over.

If you have to drive dressed like an eskimo in the winter cause the heat don't work.

You have scratched your home phone into the roof so the person who was borrowing it knew your number to call when it broke down.

Your grandfather bought the car new for less than 2 grand.

You've been approached to use your car for a fundraiser to sell tickets at a dollar apiece for each whack with a sledge hammer.

Cats refuse to walk accross your unfinished hood...wait a minute...what hood?

If the windshield wipers work by manually pulling a string back and forth.

If your twenty-something year old child was conceived during a steamy night in the back seat.

You have to count to more than 10 after switching the tranny into gear before the drive engages.

you shop for parts at the dump

your gas cap is a dirty old grocery bag

you drive with the heater cranked in summer to keep the engine cooler

you start your engine by touching a tire iron to the solenoid

when you add coolant your oil level rises

YOU POKE AN OUTER PANEL AND YOUR FINGER GOES THROUGH

your truck has a list to the port side

if the hub caps falls of when you go around bends faster then 35

It's got so much bondo it leans!

it doesn't bother you to clean the snow off your car with a stiff bristle shop broom.

you don't part to close to a dumpster in fear that the garbage truck might mistake you ride for the unit.

your radiator is so rusted it breaks its mounts on the freeway. Happend to me =*)

15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

Every time you start your car, the local smog index jumps a whole point.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "varoom-varoom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

Hitch hikers hide when they see you coming.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

Public transportation starts to look good.

Some old duffer tells you that they are the best car ever made!

The 8-track tape deck finally eats your last tape.

The city sends you a notice requesting that you remove the "abandoned vehicle" from your driveway.

The engine burns more oil than gas.

The engine catches fire and you don't notice anything wrong until the firetruck pulls you over.

The family is no longer upset in having to share the dinner table with a bunch of disassembled parts.

The guy at the parts house is listed as a dependent on your income tax form.

The local mechanic says that doing a tune-up is just "throwing good money after bad."

There's no oil on the garage floor so you know the car's completely empty.

Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

When you try to sell it, The Old Car Trader won't accept your ad because they, "have a reputation to protect."

When your generator dies, you just pull another out of your pile of bits.

While waiting at a stop-light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

You allow four hours for a trip, 3 for repairs and 1 for driving.

You always park downhill.

You are invited to join a car restoration club.

You can leave your car parked, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and not worry about it being stolen.

You can unstick a jammed starter in the dark, in the rain, in 5 minutes and don't think it's a big deal.

You don't trust anyone whose car doesn't smoke.

You double the value of your car every time you fill the tank.

You get in a car and are surprised when all of the instruments work.

You have the local mechanic on speed-dial. You have the local tow company on speed-dial.

You judge suitable parking spaces by the degree of downhill slope.

You wash your hands before working in the engine compartment. You wouldn't mind if you were car-jacked. You'd rather give the family pit bull a bath than tune your carburetors again. Your car leaves more smoke than a David Copperfield show.

You offer a friend a lift and they say no because they are in a hurry. You spend more on oil than on gas. You tell your wife that you were out until 3AM because the car broke down...and she believes you.

Your car makes a funny sound and you immediately know what's wrong, how much it will cost, and what tools you will need to repair it.

You park at Goodwill and they come out and tell you, you cant donate your car.

Instead of a seat, you have bare coils.

You have the Yellow Pages for tow trucks ripped off and in your glove compartment.

Your headliner is held in by thumbtacks. (My Uncle's is.)

Your friends can end any argument with a "Burn" by just mentioning your ride.

Instead of 'Yo momma's so fat...' jokes, others use 'Yo car's so ugly...' jokes.